If you get pregnant any time within the next year, I will personally fly home and push you down the stairs. I'm serious. Maybe it's selfish, but I don't want you having babies until I'm done destroying the universe with you.

I'm still mad at you

for wanting babies right now

RESPONSE

Person Needed to Develop iPhone app - $1 (DC area)
Reply Lugo, Raul CTR to sale-wewej-146.

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LMAO that is awesome!

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/wan/1461106450.html
------------------------------------------------------------------this message was remailed to you via: sale-wewej-1461106450@craigslist.org------------------------------------------------------------------

Let me just say that I think it's a damn outrage that no one has responded to our Craigslist ad yet. Bullshit.

Self Proclamation

Seeing as its Wednesday already, I can finally break down and tell the tale on how I became ‘Employee of the Week’. No longer will I be a tease…

Here at my (god forsaken) company we’re judged on numbers – only. It doesn’t matter how polite you are or if you’re actually finding a program fit for your customers. We’re built on the foundation of selling people advertising that they cannot afford and they’ll probably see no return on their investment. In fact, a few of us have termed a phrase that we reference often, goes a little something like this “Nail their ass”. If you care to know what that means, its: sell them a big program, collect their 2 months up front, get the sale in your numbers, and then let our collection department worry about getting the money for the remaining 10 months.

Back to the numbers system. Hope you have your abacus available.

There are 3 different categories if you will, each paid commission differently and you have the ability to climb up the ranks (see: false promises set by management). I had the highest percentage in 2 of the 3 categories. I have brought back almost all of the billing that I started with, and increased the existing revenue like no other. Awesome. I get recognized for the work that I was doing and for the effort I actually exerted out of sheer boredom. My reward: a $10 gift card for Dunkin Donuts, which will cover my coffee for the week.

BUT WAIT

Here I stand, mid-week, just got out of a 1-on-1 with my boss discussing those fabulous numbers that were referenced before. Anyone see what’s missing? That magical third set of numbers – which is the new business, people we can get to join our overpriced society of deadbeat local businesses. Now, the focus is no longer on how I’m killing the other 2 brackets, but now is redirected to I’m not doing enough for the business. I find out that supposedly the 2 areas that I’m doing well in don’t matter in comparison for the third. If I expect to go places within this company, I have to step it up.

And to make matters worse, what really chaps my ass, a week’s worth of coffee from Dunkin is $10.15. Where the hell am I going to come up with the extra 15 cents that my company’s not covering? Talk about getting the short end of the stick.

The end.

If you didn't catch it on CNN this morning

stef: remember when we had our own language

jules: o m g

yesssss

man we were smart

stef: i propose that we bring that back

jules: i lost my notebook though.

we'd have to make an iphone app or something

you know... really update and get with the times

stef: girl

that's genius

jules: i wonder how you make an app

i bet we could figure it out

stef: no doubt

or hire someone to make it

jules: psh

stef: pay them in sunflower seeds or something

jules: great idea

i'll let u find that willing person

stef: craigslist

i'll post an add

jules: but seriously, if we took the time to figure out how to build our own - like some bullshit language decoder

i bet we would be able to build other ones afterwards.

then i could retire at the ripe age of 22 and be a self made millionaire

stef: i'm 23

jules: and we could hire monkey butlers in tuxedos, hot guys to make us martinis and go on five guy runs

and most of all i could finally afford my fishtank wall

it's ok that you're 23 - i'll just sound better than you since i got to retire a year earlier.

stef: monkey butlers = amazing

jules: what are u talking about. the whole idea's fucking amazing.

Person Needed to Devlop iPhone app - $1 (DC area)
Date: 2009-11-11, 11:13AM ESTReply to: mailto:sale-wewej-1461106450@craigslist.org?subject=Person%20Needed%20to%20Devlop%20iPhone%20app%20-%20%241%20(DC%20area)&body=%0A%0Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwashingtondc.craigslist.org%2Fdoc%2Fwan%2F1461106450.html%0A [Errors when replying to ads?]

My BFF and I need some assistance in developing an iPhone app for our secret language. Currently, we both speak english, however, in 4th grade we created a secret language that we would like to be able to use in our everyday adult lives and perhaps eventually acclimate into the rest of society. The iPhone app would ideally have a simple interface and include a dictionary with our words and translations. It would be cool if it had voice recognition (preferably translating our voices into autotuned voices of our new language) and perhaps fingerprint recognition (just because it's cool and seems official). We both work full time jobs, but slack off pretty regularly, so we would have time during the day to help with the details of the app.

Payment is negotiable, however, we were thinking you could be paid in sunflower seeds or something to that extent. If you don't like sunflower seeds don't even bother applying. If there is another type of seed you prefer, feel free to make a suggestion.

Location: DC area

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 1461106450

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/wan/1461106450.html

A simple equation

+ =

What. The. Fuck. Now I've heard sayings like "DC is like Hollywood for ugly people" but holy lord in heaven.

This disaster was rocking:

argyle tights

80s socks

sketchers

a jean skirt

a fake patent leather snakeskin jacket

with a jean purse

oh, and lets not forget her heinous costume jewlery

what fucking planets swamp did you escape from, sweetheart?

itinerant (adjective)

\eye-TIN-uh-runt\

Definition: traveling from place to place

Your turn

aberrant

Main Entry: 1ab·er·rant
Pronunciation: \a-ˈber-ənt, ə-, -ˈbe-rənt; ˈa-bə-rənt, -ˌber-ənt, -ˌbe-rənt\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin aberrant-, aberrans, present participle of aberrare to go astray, from ab- + errare to wander, err
Date: circa 1780
1 : straying from the right or normal way
2 : deviating from the usual or natural type : atypical

Word of the Day

Your challenge: Take this word and use it appropriately, but in a hilarious way.

fungible; adjective

1.

(Law) Freely exchangeable for or replaceable by another of like nature or kind in the satisfaction of an obligation.

2.

Interchangeable.

jules: lets go to europe this summer

stef: haha ok

jules: i want to!

and you seem like the only one whod actually do it

and just like take trains and buses all over the place and do fucked up shit

stef: like steal barets of the heads of the french

jules: exactly!

stef: and sword fight with baguettes!

jules: eh, thats a little TOO touristy for me

how about buy illegal samari swords and sword fight?!?!

stef: ummm thats not very eurpoean

jules: o. right.

on important subjects

jules: got some fb creeper questions for u
stef: shoot
jules: mindy d* engaged or not
stef: well she's been with that guy forever
she did have her status as engaged for a long time
jules: i thought it used to say engaged
ahahaha
stef: and was talking about being engaged
but then they broke up
jules: im suchhhhh a creep
ooooooo.
but now shes back in a relationship
stef: and when they got back together it just said in a relationship
sooo i don't know the status
jules: ur good for nothing.

Speechless

I've definitely felt like this before... but holy shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzY5i4A1zgA

I have to wonder how this man got home. And good choice with the Budweiser!

Survival of the Fittest

Mine will take down your's any day of the week.

And if not the pumpkin will.

Now you see why the invisibility of the tape was so important.

More Clever Marketing

I wouldn't go patting yourself on the back and calling it 'invisible tape,' if it's not actually invisible.

That's like calling a McDonald's milkshake a protein shake.

All because some DICK (Christopher Columbus) decided to chop-kick his way into America and completely own it's inhabitants, I got to spend my day eating sushi and shopping at Macy's 'Columbus Day Sale.'

'Columbus Day Sale?' I've never heard of such bullshit in my life. Columbus raped a bunch of Indians and Pillaged a bunch of teepees. Ooh, what's that Macy's? You realize that all of the nations kiddies are off of school and mommies need an excuse to get them out of the house all while spending their husband's paycheck on Ralph Lauren cashmere sweaters for fall - as if they don't have one in every color already. Oh, pewter! That's a new color in their line this year. $89.90?! Don't mind if you do.

Welcome to the suburbs of Chicago where if there's a recession, it means filling your Porche with unleaded instead of premium.

I'm not sure what Microsoft Office's problem is. They can invent a mail merge - great. That saves me about 2 minutes while preparing 15 proposals. Now all they need to do it make a reference program that will look up project prices and all that other stuff I have to do. I spend way too much time doing work that an intern should. I asked my boss if I can get one and he said ok, it'd just come out of my salary. Doesn't he know that people are willing to "work" for free?! Just give them like a college credit hour or something. Fuck. It takes me all damn day to do research, print emails, and fax shit. Just give me someone to do all that stuff. My skills include selling and talking people into buying stuff. I could sell a shit ton more of advertising if I wasn't doing all of that busy work.

On another note... anyone looking for an internship? You can earn college credit!

p.s. FUCK gmail for locking me out of my account 3 times today. I'm about to start breaking things.

So when your bosses throw you under the bus by leaving the firm they fought so hard to get you hired at, they at least tell you that your job at the firm is safe.

FALSE.

The President of the company pulls you into his office and tells you that you will be placed on unpaid leave until they can hire some new lobbyists for you to support.

NOW WHAT?

You call your old bosses and tell them they better get you a way to pay for your excessive drinking and health insurance (hey, I don't want swine flu).

WHAT DO THEY DO?

They have one of their wives get you a job at her plastic surgery office.

FUCK.

I better get a boob job or some lipo out of this.

Hey the intro to our blog is a little inaccurate. Something else has changed - I'm a damn brunette now!!!

Safety?

Here's my beef. Wyatt. Wyatt is the "Security Guard" for our building. I use the term security guard loosely because I'm not exactly sure how fast a 400 pound man can move in order to guard something or how a narcoleptic can provide adequate security. All I know is, when I walk into the building in the morning, we exchange pleasantries, and by the time I reach the elevator (approx. 24 steps), Wyatt is asleep - snoring so loud I'm legitimately concerned. Bless his heart.

Trouble in Tinley

Where the DC magic happens

Public Relations?

Here's my beef. I just read an article by some no namer about breaking into public relations. I bet the guy is brokkkkke. He obviously has not gone far in life, the whole article consisted of unrelated free clip-art and PowerPoint screen shots. Don't try to tell people how to be successful when you're a 38 year old virgin living in your mother's basement.

People these days... talk about blog abuse.

jules: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=120554701784
stef: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
OMG
jules: right!
i showed my boss
stef: hahah
you would
jules: yeah he didnt laugh, just yelled at me for not working.
whoops.
i laughed?
stef: bosses.
who needs em?

Glowsticks?

jules: um i just looked at your twitter u have some hilarious shit on there... especially when u mention me :)
stef: haha you need to twitter more keep me entertained
jules: i closed my account cuz im not that clever but i think im gonna start again today
the one about the caterpillar i laughed OUT LOUD
stef: haha
jules: thats so intellegent...
"I try to spin you a positive story and you go and let the local paper take a picture of you holding two swords. Idiot."
Where the fuck do you come up with these things?!?!?!
tell me thats from a movie
stef: hahah no dude! i was working on a public relations campaign for a client trying to get a newspaper to pick up a positive spin on a story
and this asshole, goes a gets a story written about his business, the same business i'm trying to get a good story written about, holding up these two swords in his shop
it was re-goddamn-diculous
jules: thats honestly the funniest thing i've heard in a long time
i cant believe its real
stef: fucking idiots
"in this area you don't have to be blind to see we're hurting economically."
also this quote doesn't make any fucking sense
from the same industry i'm working on
probably meant, you'd have to be blind NOT to see
you don't have to be blind to see?
wtf is that
jules: HAHAHAHAHAHA
im fucking dying over here... i had chocolate donuts for breakfast which might have somethign to do with it
and i also woke up to "sexy bitch" this morning
stef: hahahaha
fuck yeah!
jules: its been a rave in my mind since 6:20 this morning
stef: glowsticks?
jules: duh.

stef: interns are the shit
when i get assigned work
i assign it to him
and he does it and brings it back
and then i give it to my boss
i get paid, he doesn't
works perfectly
jules: hahaha. i love it! you dont need to do ANYTHING
stef: nope
jules: hey i have a starbucks survey to get a free drink, can you have ur intern do it for me? i just want the coffee
stef: sure send it on over
jules: hahahah i should fax it to you we suck at this work thing
and by suck, i mean own.
we are above the system
stef: i was so nervous about the real world
i was all like, man it's gonna be so much work and i'm going to be overwhelmed because in college i didn't do shit
will this is better
no homework
free drinks
stef: and paychecks!
me: and i get paid for going on facebook instead of paying thousands of dollars for tuition
jules: and dont forget the hot men in suits, any guy is bangable in a suit
stef: absolutely

The start of something beautiful

This is the blog of two twenty-something's dominating our way through life. Everything we touch turns to gold.