Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Self Proclamation

Seeing as its Wednesday already, I can finally break down and tell the tale on how I became ‘Employee of the Week’. No longer will I be a tease…

Here at my (god forsaken) company we’re judged on numbers – only. It doesn’t matter how polite you are or if you’re actually finding a program fit for your customers. We’re built on the foundation of selling people advertising that they cannot afford and they’ll probably see no return on their investment. In fact, a few of us have termed a phrase that we reference often, goes a little something like this “Nail their ass”. If you care to know what that means, its: sell them a big program, collect their 2 months up front, get the sale in your numbers, and then let our collection department worry about getting the money for the remaining 10 months.

Back to the numbers system. Hope you have your abacus available.

There are 3 different categories if you will, each paid commission differently and you have the ability to climb up the ranks (see: false promises set by management). I had the highest percentage in 2 of the 3 categories. I have brought back almost all of the billing that I started with, and increased the existing revenue like no other. Awesome. I get recognized for the work that I was doing and for the effort I actually exerted out of sheer boredom. My reward: a $10 gift card for Dunkin Donuts, which will cover my coffee for the week.


Here I stand, mid-week, just got out of a 1-on-1 with my boss discussing those fabulous numbers that were referenced before. Anyone see what’s missing? That magical third set of numbers – which is the new business, people we can get to join our overpriced society of deadbeat local businesses. Now, the focus is no longer on how I’m killing the other 2 brackets, but now is redirected to I’m not doing enough for the business. I find out that supposedly the 2 areas that I’m doing well in don’t matter in comparison for the third. If I expect to go places within this company, I have to step it up.

And to make matters worse, what really chaps my ass, a week’s worth of coffee from Dunkin is $10.15. Where the hell am I going to come up with the extra 15 cents that my company’s not covering? Talk about getting the short end of the stick.

The end.


  1. I knew you would do big things with your life. I've sent 16 cents in the mail to cover your coffee. Congrats!

  2. 16? Whoa, personal tip for a job well done. Thanks for profitting me a penny